Days Away From My 26th Birthday
Posted on September 24 2018
I promised myself I would start writing more. I promised myself I would do a lot of things. I promised myself I would be a whole different person by this time, but here I am, days away from my 26th birthday and I’m stuck.
When I made the decision to move to OKC the first thing my mother told me was after I did everything I wanted to do, I would get bored. I’m not necessarily bored. I’m just no longer busy. For the past few months my life was centered around adjusting to our new normal. We had things to do, people to meet, and new meals to try. I made new friends and Cayman made new friends. I was for certain that this is where we needed to be. Everything in our life had lead to this point.
It’s days away from my 26th birthday and my life feels unfulfilled. From the outside, I live a really spectacular life. Don’t get me wrong, I do live a wonderful life. However, there is something missing. The thing is, I don’t really know what it is I’m missing. For some reason I still feel empty. I’ve hit a road block in life.
Living in Oklahoma, you all know that if you’re not married by your 21st birthday you’re an old maid. I was divorced by my 21st birthday. Most of you know my story and know that I spiraled down very quickly.
I’m turning 26 and I feel like I should be living my happily ever after. Stay at home mom with a husband who works a 9-5 job and is home in time for dinner. You know, that perfect life that seems great. However, that’s not the life I want. I’ve never wanted a husband who was home in time for dinner.
Growing up my father was only home on the weekends so that’s the only life I’ve ever known. Dating busy men comes naturally to me. There’s a fine line when it comes to busy men. Growing up I remember hearing from my dad at night before he went to bed. I knew he was working but all we needed was that one phone call at night. Now that I’m older, a single mom, and attempting to date, I still wish for that one phone call.
I don’t need constant conversation. I like being alone, but sometimes I crave companionship. I cry when Cayman tells me she wants a family. There are days I wonder if maybe I do want a family too. Other days I feel like super woman and would never dream of a man getting in my way. So is it really my loneliness that’s making me feel empty?
Fashion has always been the biggest part of my life. I can still remember this time 16 years ago when I received my first Louis Vuitton for my birthday. It was the Galleria in Dallas and the sales associate asked if I was “Miss Crawford”. He told me I had a gift certificate available. I remember walking through the store trying to pick what I wanted. (To be clear it was a small amount and also things weren’t as expensive back then.)
That’s when it began, it became my passion. I studied it. I read magazines. I dreamed of going to Fashion Week. Today my life still revolves around styles and trends. I still have the same emotions walking into a Louis Vuitton store as I did as a young 10 year old girl.
I know most of you from my boutique. Because of my sweet parents I was 19 years old and starting a business from what I learned on google. That small storefront turned into a nationally known business. I had customers from California to North Carolina. Every time I got an email that I made a sale I felt fulfilled.
One day it was no longer fulfilling. I walked away from a successful business. The ding of an online sale no longer made me happy. I had a boyfriend twice my age who didn’t love me, and clothes no longer made me happy. The downhill spiral happened again. I absolutely love my job now but something is still missing. I love locking the door at the end of the day with no worries but I also miss the thrill of constantly working on building a business.
It’s days away from my 26th birthday and I am still learning to let go of the control. I wish I had a map that showed me everything that was going to happen in life. I am always desperately searching for that sign of how my life is suppose to work out.
This morning I was so upset when I woke up. I cried and I cried and I really had no reason too. Nothing triggered it in anyway. I felt so overwhelmed that I had to let it out. That’s when I turn to writing. I get messages often of girls who look up to me for staying positive. For those of you who have sent them, messages like that help me so much. It’s hard to stay positive, especially when I start feeling like I do now. I overthink a lot. I’m paranoid. I have this vision of a perfect life. I have to constantly remind myself to go with the flow.
Life is beautiful and it will turn out exactly how it is suppose too. For me my Prince Charming might not show up until I’m 36. I may end up on a totally different career path one day. For now I have to continue to enjoy me. I struggle daily with reminding myself to take it one day at a time.
Every since I was little. This is always the verse I continuously refer too.
To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.